Wednesday, June 22, 2011

regrets are few

i'm a person that do not really rely on regrets. i had a few in my life. but time healed my pains and i have moved on with them.

but have you ever had that feeling? ..wishing that things were back to what they were?

it is a weird feeling for me. especially that i know i did my best and that i did not regret anything i have done regarding it. i was happy. i was always looking forward to it everyday.
but this feeling i started feeling a few weeks ago made me think about myself. ...had i really done my best? ...have i done right?

i have this feeling of self blame.

i kept praying these past days for myself which i rarely do. --i usually pray for people in my life than for myself. wishing myself the best... *sigh*

Monday, June 20, 2011

papa day today

i didn't attend the LOM meeting today. personal choice. i planned to spend my day with my family since today is father's day.
i get to hear mass with them and had dinner at max's. the resto is in chicken all you can promo. taob! :))

dad and mom with the tropas :)
happy father's to my one and only dad! :)
my teacher, my house daddy, my driver, my cook and my friend. ♥
you are a man of many words but you are poor in the emotional side of it. but through your actions and through the things you do for us since we were small, you make us feel how much we are loved.
thank you, dad! ♥

and happy father's day to the one who deserves the greeting most. to the Most High who never fails to be the best dad ever! :D

--oOo--

also, today is rizal's day. tomorrow is declared a holiday since rizal turned 150.
i had a debate with my thesis mate about this. he says declaring today as a holiday is just a waste of time. an excuse to be lazy.
i came to realize that a lot of people think of holidays as a time to relax or a chance for double pay at work (for those like me who can never taste holidays like normal workers do). forgetting the true meaning of it.

though we may not show it in a grander way, may we take this opportunity to appreciate the celebration and its reason.

i salute rizal! :D

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

i'm sorry, oprah...

i'm definitely afraid of dogs. yes, it is due to a traumatic experience when i was small. so owning a dog is not part of my life's wish list.

but then our family received a gift from my aunt and we named her oprah.
she is a mixed breed of a chihuahua and a poodle. very small. at first shy but after a month, she was very playful and very energetic.

but she is gone now. she passed away this morning. heartbreak.

she got sick last friday. we noticed her throwing up her food a lot of times that night. we suspected that she might be suffering from tummy ache since she has a habit of eating not only food but also paper, leaves, wood, etc. plus, she might have been over played by my nieces and nephew that afternoon. so we did not find it strange. at saturday, we cannot see her joyful energy and she started eating less. that continued up to sunday and began not eating at all. she just drinks water and that's it. so worried as i am, dad and i took her to the vet the following monday. i was not ready money wise when we went. i was just hoping for a check up and paying for a few medicines. but my pocket was surprised to the amount a had paid for that visit. the doctor said she must be suffering from a viral disease that is common to dogs her age (forgive me but i cannot remember what it is specifically called). the vet advised for her to be confined. but as i said, my pocket is not ready for it that day. so we went for a temporary first aid and decided to observe her condition for a day more. the vet advised to bring her again a day after if her condition did not improved. but i ended up delaying it for another day since my sister and i needed to discuss the expenses. but it was too late..

i went home decided to take her to the vet again as i had already computed my savings if it would be enough for her medication. but when i went home from graveyard duty this morning, my dad told me the news that she is gone.

my heart broke. i began to cry.

i can say that i felt really bad for not taking her soonest to the vet. i felt bad that i was too selfish thinking about my savings draining if i take her for confinement. i felt bad seeing her in my mind looking at me. i kept talking to her yesterday to hang on a little bit and to try to be well. but she just stared at me with eyes saying help. now it is too late. i cannot help her anymore. i cannot do anything for her anymore.

i feel really sad of her passing. yes, she only stayed with us for 2 months. yes, my family is not into dogs so having her is an adjustment. yes, i never had played with her for i'm freaking scared whenever she approaches me. but i say yes too, that i genuinely care for her. she knows how i spoil her. but i guess i didin't care that much nor spoiled her enough for me to help her in the best way.

my heart is still breaking.

truly, i've realized a lot of things with her passing. i don't know how long i would grieve for oprah. my family can call me OA (over reacting) but i'm not yet done crying.

oprah,
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i did not do my best. i'm sorry for not caring enough. i'm sorry for letting you pass away. i cannot make up to you anymore. but swearing to your grave this will not happen to any pets i will have in the future (but i guess this is also a trauma to me that i cannot really see myself being an owner anymore.) i cannot go back. i'm sorry...

i'll remember oprah everyday whenever i will i see dogs. and i guess for now, i will look at them with regret...
my heart is still breaking...

DISCALIMER: no edits made. too sad to do it.

Friday, June 10, 2011

geez

alam nyo 'yung feeling na pwede pero hindi pwede?
uso na 'yun lately. :))

Saturday, June 4, 2011

glass half empty

i never thought it is possible to be sad and feel nothing at all about it.
it seems your mind wants to grieve and be angry all at the same time that you can no longer do both.
it feels empty...

i don't want this feeling. i want to cry at my heart's content but i've been trying the whole day yesterday but to no avail.

hoping this will pass. i pray for my heart..

Thursday, June 2, 2011

yeyey :)

yes, i promise to blog about my summer for my next post. but i'm still too lazy. XD

i can't wait for my restday tomorrow. i'll be seeing old people in my life.

i also love my shift today. time passed without me realizing it. it really is great working with someone than just sharing a shift with yourself. i can't wait to go home though. hihi :">