i'm sorry, oprah...

i'm definitely afraid of dogs. yes, it is due to a traumatic experience when i was small. so owning a dog is not part of my life's wish list.

but then our family received a gift from my aunt and we named her oprah.

she is a mixed breed of a chihuahua and a poodle. very small. at first shy but after a month, she was very playful and very energetic.

but she is gone now. she passed away this morning. heartbreak.

she got sick last friday. we noticed her throwing up her food a lot of times that night. we suspected that she might be suffering from tummy ache since she has a habit of eating not only food but also paper, leaves, wood, etc. plus, she might have been over played by my nieces and nephew that afternoon. so we did not find it strange. at saturday, we cannot see her joyful energy and she started eating less. that continued up to sunday and began not eating at all. she just drinks water and that's it. so worried as i am, dad and i took her to the vet the following monday. i was not ready money wise when we went. i was just hoping for a check up and paying for a few medicines. but my pocket was surprised to the amount a had paid for that visit. the doctor said she must be suffering from a viral disease that is common to dogs her age (forgive me but i cannot remember what it is specifically called). the vet advised for her to be confined. but as i said, my pocket is not ready for it that day. so we went for a temporary first aid and decided to observe her condition for a day more. the vet advised to bring her again a day after if her condition did not improved. but i ended up delaying it for another day since my sister and i needed to discuss the expenses. but it was too late..

i went home decided to take her to the vet again as i had already computed my savings if it would be enough for her medication. but when i went home from graveyard duty this morning, my dad told me the news that she is gone.

my heart broke. i began to cry.

i can say that i felt really bad for not taking her soonest to the vet. i felt bad that i was too selfish thinking about my savings draining if i take her for confinement. i felt bad seeing her in my mind looking at me. i kept talking to her yesterday to hang on a little bit and to try to be well. but she just stared at me with eyes saying help. now it is too late. i cannot help her anymore. i cannot do anything for her anymore.

i feel really sad of her passing. yes, she only stayed with us for 2 months. yes, my family is not into dogs so having her is an adjustment. yes, i never had played with her for i'm freaking scared whenever she approaches me. but i say yes too, that i genuinely care for her. she knows how i spoil her. but i guess i didin't care that much nor spoiled her enough for me to help her in the best way.

my heart is still breaking.

truly, i've realized a lot of things with her passing. i don't know how long i would grieve for oprah. my family can call me OA (over reacting) but i'm not yet done crying.

oprah,

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i did not do my best. i'm sorry for not caring enough. i'm sorry for letting you pass away. i cannot make up to you anymore. but swearing to your grave this will not happen to any pets i will have in the future (but i guess this is also a trauma to me that i cannot really see myself being an owner anymore.) i cannot go back. i'm sorry...

i'll remember oprah everyday whenever i will i see dogs. and i guess for now, i will look at them with regret...

my heart is still breaking...

DISCALIMER: no edits made. too sad to do it.